My fear of having a crap birthday last week probably led me to setting myself up for a fail!
In the past few years I have spent my birthday home alone, whilst hubby was at work, or whilst we were separated. This year, whilst having money burning a hole in my pocket, and NEEDING to spend it, (I really mean spend it!), I finally treat myself to some pampering and loved it.
I had a good birthday. As I had the Make Up Lesson in morning with my great friend, followed by afternoon tea at The Queens Hotel, I didn't even have any alcohol till evening, which meant I wasn't drunk by 7 p.m. and home! lol
After I had my make up done, I felt really exposed, I know that sounds contradictory, but I don't wear it often, and it was quite full on, especially with my St Tropez tan and fuchsia pink dress!
My friend looked lovely, and was told by her hubby and myself. She told me I looked good, but my hubby never even mentioned it. Now, logically, I know this is because I bought a dress I was unsure of, completely different style to usual, and asked his opinion. He said he liked it apart from the mesh overlay on arms and chest. I immediately took this as I look crap, and hate myself, and this sodding dress! He decided not to comment further on anything else...
Because depression is such a bitch. I ended up feeling unloved, undervalued, disrespected, etc..
After another little incident the following day, I had a meltdown.
I needed to get away, I couldn't handle the way I felt and being around him. I wanted him to acknowledge how I felt. Let’s be fair, we married 8 years ago, if he doesn't know me by know...
I ended going to see a family member, bearing in mind I only have the one, which went tits up too! It ended with me in tears, getting a taxi at £110 and only taking what I could carry, i.e. my daughter and bags. I had to leave various things, spending money I didn’t have just to get away in the early hours of the morning.
Sometimes life just f*cking sucks too!