I feel I need to blog this out.
I am starting to look at childcare for my 15 month old. Daddy works shifts, so I'm with her all the time, barring an odd few nights when she stays with her grandma (my friend). I have no family to call on. As I suffer from depression and am trying to complete my degree online with the O.U. I need a break. Does that sound awful? I find that by the time Little Lady goes to bed the last thing I want to do is study.
So my questions are:
What type of childcare do I choose?
Did you find any benefits to child minder or nursery?
How did you find your childcare, assuming you use it?
What questions should I be asking?
Any other hints and tips?
Am I being selfish?
Tips for overcoming guilt?
I received some helpful responses.
As part of this week's Reasons to be Cheerful, I mentioned I have an appointment with a child minder this evening, filled with trepidation, questions, and guilt, but that's because I am a good mother, right?!
So after going to meet her, tonight I added:
I just met with a child minder. She seems like a lovely, down to earth lady, Ofsted regulated, etc. She has a daughter just starting nursery and a few other children she looks after.
Kiki liked her, immediately put arms out for a cuddle.
We spent about an hour and half with her, a lot of that was with her playing with Little Lady and telling us the routine etc.
So driving home I ask Daddy what he thinks.
Now bearing in my mind:
A) I need a break,
B) I have no time to study, I'm sorry I am not one of those wonder mums who can study when child is in bed. After 9pm and I'm no good for anything but mind numbing TV! Depression makes my concentration and memory shocking. I am going to fail my course at this rate as I haven't started revising, and still have an assignment due next week!
C) He says he will take her out on his days off, he says this every time we have this conversation but it never happens.
Why did I even bother?!
I feel guilty enough and I have told him this. After the post natal depression, he occasionally tells me I'm a good mum.
His response, 'I feel like leaving her with a stranger makes us bad parents!'
I mean FFS! I don't know what to do, I'm nearly in tears.
I really don't know what to do. I need help, I need a break, but I don't know what to do for the best. Am I being a bad mother? I feel like the devil incarnate tonight.